early morning thought release

I just got home not to long ago...I feel really tired, melancholy, very reflective........its 3:36am currently.........

bear with me, I just want to get a few thoughts out......consistently I have been writing about life since not having a home congregation, and the changes that I have going through since that time........I am beginning to realize more and more how the things that I have experienced in the past, were apart of what God allowed me to go through so that I can grow.....yet when those seasons ended it was just that...a season that ended.

Tonight on my drive home I had a longing in my heart for what I no longer have.....and cycled thoughts of "what ifs" , but it all came down to the fact that I am in the present.....I can only move forward.....and I can only take life one day at a time, and fight to do right by each day that I have........I also have to pound it in my head that this life I live ....is not about me.........this life is about living for what the Father desires of me, and that is simply to be as His Son, for his glory and his purpose.....

28And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.29For whom he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brethren.-Romans 8:28-29

I have to remember that in all things, I think about everything I have experienced in this walk of faith and try to make sense of it all.......and the one thing I keep coming back to is the necessity for me to work out my own soul salvation with fear and trembling as the scriptures admonish me to do (Philippians 2:12)...

and in doing so I have to deal right by everyone....I have come across a great deal of diversity amongst believers in my walk of faith......and I have learned so much about myself, people, and life in general.....I have seen how entire cultures can be created and cemented amongst believers. I've seen these created cultures be pitted against others as truth.

I have seen seekers of God be immersed in the cultures created by believers....and how those cultures that are created frame the perception and realities of those seeking God. I myself have been apart of places where the culture became my reality.....yet, over time I have had this pattern of seeking God outside of the created culture of the believers that I was amongst..not consciously aware of doing it, it just sort of happens over time.....and this has created isolation for me at timnes...to the point where now I realize.........that in me searching for where God wants me to be (in regards to a home congregation) that I must realize that it may not cater to what I have come to understand.....or all of the convictions that I have presently.....because again its not about me......its about doing the best with what I have, and taking things as they come........and experiencing life (and learning from those experiences) as I live for God according to the faith and obedience that he desires of me.......its also about me being a brother, and a servant.

we all have short comings, quirks, those of us who are believers fight ourselves daily....and we all have our own stories, convictions, reasons we believe what we do, why we do.........all of us searching, seeking his face....

this blog.....I just had so many thoughts, trying to get them out.....they are not necessarily organized.....


I don't have it all figured out, but I know one thing...I am going to keep living this life of faith, and fight to do so until the end.....I pray that I am kept in his grace and guidance......his peace, and the sanity that only he can give.....I pray also that the vanities that I take part of every day, remain on the back-burner and not affect the purpose for which I seek to live.....

shalom to whomever reads this...